So… how it feels to be close to Death!


They say that talking about pain would go way pain, talking about hurting memories would let go hurt… just let those words flow and you will be OK. Sometimes it does but sometimes it’s not… letting these things out is not as easy as it sounds and when it is about death experience..well, trust me it’s never that easy.

I have a friend who is a social and psychological counselor and when I told him about this, he said something like “ha… this explains a lot”!! and yeah I think it does. We all think about death in our own way, some would think about it when a beloved one dies or a relative, others would think about it when their dearest pets die or plants.. some would see it on T.V and think it is far, far away from me. For us Muslims, we think about it often as we believe in after death and that we need to do good deeds to win the other life. I think for me I thought about it a lot during my life, I would wake up in the middle of a nightmare praying and all I would think about is when I die I wish I would remember these prayers. I would chock in the middle of my sleep because of the allergy and all I think about is I don’t want to die now!

The other day, my friend asked me to think about that memory and see how it would feel now to remember it, he asked me to think about death… as if I don’t think about it nearly every day now!! How do I picture myself when I die, where would it be? With whom? Who would be beside me or would I be alone.. things like that and when I die, what would make me feel happy. When he asked me these questions, he told me that if this would stress me out a lot and if it would make me feel uncomfortable to forget about it and all I was thinking about was hell no I can do it! Well, it turned to be never that easy. I read about accident post traumatic stress and these stuff right away after I had it and I was saying to myself, well… I’m fine, I don’t fit the profile… but still, when I have these flashes of memory about it, it feels like now… like I’m just out there and I can remember the sound of the steel over the asphalt, the overall block out when everything went dark, me praying God please God make it stop make it stop…

I remember getting out of there with not even a scratch, I didn’t cry, I didn’t panic… I just acted as if it was OK, nothing happen, no one get hurt so everything is going to be fine. It was until later that night when I burst out crying, with every single part of me shaking and trembling. Not even believing that I’m still alive! Well, my friend kept asking me do I fear death and I was saying no, I’m fine.. I’m prepared… well, I have a confession my friend, I do scare death, and I was just trying to convince myself that everything is OK!!…I just can’t describe how to be that much close to death, its not like in the movies a flash of your entire life would pass in front of you or you would start to think about your family, your beloved ones… it happens very fast, fast enough to not even realize that you might die… but now I do feel that I am a normal person; normal people do fear death and no need to act as a heroic to carry on with my life.

Reframing was the thing we ended up talking about, how to reframe this experience in away to come up with something good out of it. I read Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s search for meaning” and how we should extract good things out of the pain, the suffering… well, I learned a lot from this book… I finally understood what reframing all about and what does it mean to be granted a second life!! I will write a blog regarding meaning in life very soon Insha’Allah based on Frankl’s book but until then… I would be very grateful for this gift… for life.


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